So, I’m sure you never thought you’d see activity on this blog again!
I was half tempted to ‘revive’ rubileaks for the next chapter in my life, but I decided that it could carry on here. I’m attempting to get back up and running with this now I’m doing things and not just going to work.
I took a gap year and in that time I worked in two places, an independent clothes shop and an energy company. AN ENERGY COMPANY, I hear you cry – that doesn’t seem much like you!? fortunately the world’s greenest energy company is based in my hometown. (I will likely write Eco it’s own post, I believe so strongly in what they are doing)
Just to get you up to speed, I loved it there, my team were wonderful and I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t had the experience of working a full time job in an office. I was so sad to leave but university beckoned.
Here I am! I moved to Bath and I’m taking English Literature (no surprise there!) I’m also taking modules in Creative Writing and one in Book History. The first year ‘doesn’t count’ towards my degree and it’s pass/fail, but that doesn’t stop it being one of the most terrifying things I have ever done, and the hardest.
University is simultaneously everything you think it will be, and absolutely nothing like it. It’s long hours, on Monday I am in school from 11am until 7pm, the work is hard and there’s a lot of it. But it’s hard because it’s not spoon fed, and it’s a lot because without creative writing I only have 6 contact hours a week so I have to do all my own work independently and somehow learn something.
The thing I am finding is most different is my indifference, I was so excited and ready to come and be inspired, to learn and to grow. Unfortunately my anxiety is getting in the way, I have grown so much in the last year, since I last wrote here I am sure that I am twice the person I was. But it’s still not enough and I find myself facing things that although to other people are nothing, are a new challenge every day.
I have never talked about the problems I’ve had with mental illness and anxiety here before because I thought it was too personal but it’s playing such a large role in my life now that it deserves a mention. I worry a lot and to stop worrying I tend to dissociate. What a lot of people call ‘zoning out’ but I can feel dissociated from a few hours to a few days. I am most worried that I am letting university pass me by and I’m not immersing myself properly.
Luckily if there’s anywhere to grow and change it’s here. I’m also so happy to have the support of my friends and family and they tirelessly call, text and visit me, particularly my boyfriend who is taking all my breakdowns very well, bless his cottons.
In month one I have faced moving out, doing my own cooking, getting groceries and getting the bus every day in a city I don’t know at all, but some how I’m not dead and I’ve managed how to use the washing machines (that you have to pay for – RUDE!)
I’ll keep you posted on my progress, and as always thanks for reading!
(P.S. keep your eyes peeled for an October in Photographs and much more to come!)